FAMILY STRESS AND COPING

Family Stress & Coping

Get ready, this is a little different than you have probably thought of stress before.  In order to learn how to manage stress constructively, let’s think about the benefits of stress first. How is stress a positive occurrence? What is stress?  Stress is a pressure or force being applied to an object.  The pressure of gravity places stress on our muscles and bones to make them work and keep strong.  Blood pressure is necessary to sustain all of the functions of keeping our body alive.  Stress is positive for physical growth.  With lack of stress our bones and muscles and brain atrophy. Our body is constantly replacing cells according to where there is stress or damage to repair, strengthen and grow that part of the body.  When we have no stress, we don’t grow.  So, the opposite of stress for our body is death! 

Could that be so for other types of stress also?  Yes!  Stress is your friend.  People work so hard to not have to work hard.  Consider for a moment the types of stress situations you choose for fun or challenge. Going on a hike, riding a roller coaster, working out, tackling a new job, or tackling a new spot to fish on the river, learning a new skill.  All of these things give our brains, bodies and emotions a push or surge for growth.  Stress pushes us to grow, learn, achieve. Lack of stress is your greatest enemy. 

Distress

Distress is when we have a negative attitude or response either emotionally or physically to external or internal “stress.”  Distress comes when we try to avoid stress.  Understanding stress, can help us alleviate distress. 

Pain

Stress as we know it in society usually causes some kind of pain, emotionally, physically, financially, whatever.  What happens after people have experienced pain?  One response would be that they develop compassion and empathy. Their character grows.  The other outcome happens when people experience pain coupled with blame?  They become defensive.  Their reaction is “I’m in pain so I’ll with draw.”  That is an uneducated reaction to pain and stress. 

How can we learn to reprogram how we manage stress?

It is not the events that happen to us, but how we respond to the event that makes all of the difference. Consider this model of how stress affects individuals and families that experience a stressor event.  

                             Actual stressor event is A

                             Both resources and responses are B

                             Cognitions toward the event are C

Total outcome = eXperience is X

                       C -------àX: Higher functioning than before stressor event- Family growth

                 B   /

A-----à\        /----------àX: Same functioning level- Family coped

               \    /

                 \/-----------àX: Lower functioning level- Family has a long-term negative reaction

When a stressful event (A) happens, families can either respond and utilize their resources (B) to face the challenge together or not respond well and leave untapped resources(B). A dip is naturally going to happen in the norm of everyday life regardless, that’s life.  How family members individually and collectively think about the stressor event determines the success of their climb (C) to recover or not from the experience. 

Crisis: To be or not to be?

You can’t control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them.  This doesn’t mean that you can avoid the trauma of a crisis.  But how long you remain in crisis or if you stay in crisis mode forevermore after a stressor event can be determined by how you think and respond to the extreme difficulty. You can avoid long-term, adverse consequences.  It is possible to turn the crisis into something that yields long-term positive consequences and actually puts you in a better position than before the stressor event because of the growth that happened. That’s the outcome everyone wants!  That’s progress!  Consider, could progress happen without stress to push us toward growth and improvement?  Like not, without the push of stress so that we need to try to grow, we sit and do nothing. 

Some of our stress we choose for ourselves: learning a new skill, taking a class, getting a new job, developing a talent, adding a new baby to the family, getting married, moving to a new city.  We choose these positive things in our lives, but even they bring with them transitions that require adjustment and growth and learning- stress. 

Coping Patterns

Ineffective ways to cope with a family stressor are: 

                        Denial – a way out of openly addressing there is a problem

                        Avoidance- is counterproductive and common with physical/emotional abuse

                        Scapegoating- blaming someone or something

Denial can be useful for a short period of time while a family mobilizes their resources. 

Effective coping helps families to be resilient, resist disruption, face change and cope effectively. 

                        Effective Coping tools are:

                        Take responsibility

                        Affirm personal worth and family worth

                        Balance self-concern with concerns for others

                        Learn the skill of reframing or changing your perspective

                        Find and use available resources

On the Bright Side

When a family pulls together and outlasts the stress, they grow. They become stronger.  Looking ahead to be aware upcoming changes in life are going to bring with them a certain amount of stress that comes from transitions and learning.  

Challenge: 1) make a list of planned challenges you foresee in your future.  Make a plan for effective coping, allowing a time period for adjustments to take place. 

2) make a list of unexpected challenges that may happen in your future, they come to all of us at inopportune times.  Make a plan for effective coping, allowing for flexibility according to the conditions that are unforeseen.  

3) Practice using the effective coping skills on smaller situations so you can learn to utilize them to help your family learn together.