TRANSITIONS IN MARRIAGE

            How exciting! You’re getting married!  Why do people get married? People expect marriage will: make them happy, last, your spouse will be faithful, marriage will provide security, support, companionship. Those ideals are achievable and a satisfying part of marriage. But, yes here’s the BUT….just like single life has ups and downs, married life will have ups and downs-even more because you have never done this before and have to learn how to work together to face what life throws at you. 

REALITY

                                  FANTASY                 verses                    ACTUAL

It is very real for everyone that they go into marriage with an idea of a fantasy of how they expect married life will be.  Especially in our modern society where media romance is flaunted as reality. Then when true life scenarios happen, the actual responsibilities, good and bad,  of the new marriage union show themselves.  Committed partners work through them, turn to each other and learn together. 

Marriage usually begins

as a

PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP

and then grows to a

COMPASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP

Marriage, every marriage, takes work and selflessness and commitment.  Skills and behaviors that develop commitment can be learned and taught.  

 TRANSITIONS

The expectation of marital satisfaction is usually it will continue to grow and get better and better over time with a steady uphill climb. Actually, that doesn’t happen! So people become confused and discouraged.

                                                                                                              Grow old together

                                                                               Empty Nesters

                                               Raising children

                Newlywed Bliss

Statistically, the marital satisfaction curve follows a U shape. 

              Newlywed bliss                                                                       Grow old together

                        Birth of first child                                                Time together again

                                     Second child                                 Empty nesters                            

                                             And so on.....              Children start to leave home

                                                              Teenagers

Realistically can you see why this could be so common.  We love these dear little babies we bring into our homes, but they are exhausting.  Adjusting is a balancing act of selflessness for each parent to help the other wherever they can.  Make a plan together for how to manage time constraints, fatigue, health, additional chores, finances- all the things that come with a new baby.  You can see why being part of a family is the greatest way to grow in life.  It takes sacrifice, self-discipline and personal growth. And after children start coming- continue to make time to court your spouse!

Lauer & Lauer: A successful relationship comes from effort and dedication, not from the “fantasy of hoping to marry the right person.”  Yes, similarities are important and helpful.  People need to use wisdom in their choice of a mate. The realities of life seem to challenge the idea of “happily ever after.”  Emotionally mature, educated people recognize this and work together to grow their relationship, especially during the major transitions of family life. 

You’re doing great! Count what you’re doing right and keep trying.

 GOOD ADVICE FROM THE PROS:

JESUS SAID, “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”  Well if you apply every gospel message first to your marriage it would read, “Thou shalt love thy “spouse” as thyself. “  Your spouse is your closest neighbor.  Work to love and serve them first and foremost before any other endeavor and your other endeavors will go better. 

H. Wallace Goddard: Your spouse is the wounded traveler on the road, and you are their Good Samaritan.  

Mort Fertel: Love is a verb.  Choose loving actions.  You can choose to show love when you don’t feel love. Small loving actions from yourself will change your own heart so that you can actually make love in your relationship. The secret is learning to love the soul of your mate. 

Romance doesn’t just happen; it has to be planned. 

Keep dating your spouse after marriage.  Hold hands. Give kind compliments.  Go on dates sometimes just the two of you and with other couples who are friends of your marriage. Keep kissing and touching.  Do kind surprises for each other.  One spouse can behave this way even if the other spouse doesn’t. 

Don’t take for granted what is going right in your marriage relationship!!!!  Good news!  Together you can change bad behaviors over time.  Keep working together and encouraging each other.  Show gratitude. 

Data shows that couples who are unhappy in their relationship, if they hang on in 5 years 70% report, they feel their marriage is now a success. 

Gordon B. Hinkley: “Every marriage is subject to occasional stormy weather. But with patience, mutual respect, and a spirit of forbearance, we can weather these storms. Where mistakes have been made, there can be apology, repentance, and forgiveness. But there must be willingness to do so on the part of both parties.

I believe in the family where there is a husband who regards his companion as his greatest asset and treats her accordingly; where there is a wife who looks upon her husband as her anchor and strength, her comfort and security; where there are children who look to mother and father with respect and gratitude; where there are parents who look upon those children as blessings and find a great and serious and wonderful challenge in their nurture and rearing. The cultivation of such a home requires effort and energy, forgiveness and patience, love and endurance and sacrifice; but it is worth all of these and more.

I have learned that the real essence of happiness in marriage lies not so much in romance as in an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Thinking of self alone and of the gratification of personal desires will build neither trust, love, nor happiness. Only when there is unselfishness will love, with its concomitant qualities, flourish and blossom.”

Challenge this week: Each day, morning and evening have a talk connection and a touch connection with your spouse.