What you think is what you get!
“My brain believes everything I think.” Did you know that is a true statement? What if something you think is erroneous? In my class the professor used a simple example to demonstrate this phenomenon. Consider what a girl does when she is watching a zombie movie. Her feet cuddle up on the sofa, head ducks down a little, she cuddles up to a pillow, a blanket or the man next to her. You can see the picture, right? Even though zombies aren’t real, right now, her brain is thinking about them, so she takes cover and reacts as though they are real.
How does this apply to our thoughts about families?
Everything you think about families, marriage, parenting, sibling relationships seems true to you- even if what you are thinking isn’t valid. (It may be an imagined family zombie monster or pretend family fantasy.) Your own thoughts control what you believe and how you react. Sometimes we react without thinking in very damaging ways rather than stopping to control our thoughts, learn actual knowledge before we react with words and actions. This is especially important when we are choosing how to behave toward a spouse, or child we care for. Or did care for, before perhaps the combination of their annoying behavior and our annoying behavior, got out of hand because of misinformation or misguided thoughts or actions influenced our poor behavior toward each other.
So, take charge!
Educate yourself and manage your thoughts about your own family beliefs and relationships. Wow! Is it possible that you can control how your own family relationships develop? Yes. TOOLS! You use tools to exercise, tools to cook, tools to build. You can acquire new tools to build your marriage, your parent-child relationships, your extended family relationships. Even the tools you select for your friend relationships influence your family relationships.
THE TOOL BAG
Consider this list of ideas as a trip to your local hardware store to pick up some new tools to fix things in your house. If it’s a new tool, you’re going to have to learn how to use it, and then practice improving your skill to use it before you can really become proficient and build a masterpiece. That is why we have our families for a lifetime, to learn how to be proficient at the workmanship it takes to build a successful family.
FAMILY OF ORIGIN-FAMILY OF CREATION
Each person naturally believes that the way they lived growing up is the “right” way. Think about how often you hear yourself or others say, “well in my family we always did this….” Individuals automatically default to their own family of origin as the “right” way of doing things because it is familiar, whether it was a healthy way to handle that situation or not.
Children who grew up in families with severe abuse, tend to be abusive parents. Children who grew up with warm relationships between family members tend to model that same behavior. Families who had open boundaries between extended family tend to think that’s the only way to live. And what about parenting styles? Whether you grew up with parents who were authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved, it’s likely you will follow in their footsteps. And all parenting styles are not created equal for healthy positive outcomes for child development. All family systems of behavior are not created equal for successful relationships.
With a little reflection one can realize what worked for your family growing up, may have been great at the time for that group of individuals, or it may have been horrible. What about the fabulous possibilities for a new family that is created when two people with different experience marry? Everyone goes into a new marriage full of hope, with dreams of a happy marriage and family! It’s everybody’s dream. To achieve this dream takes effort work and adjustment. This new family is called a FAMILY OF CREATION. No matter how similar your backgrounds, religion, ideas, likes and dislikes, culture, hobbies, whatever- the list is long- there are going to be differences-that list is long too. Step number one for success is embracing that differences are a fact of life and preparing the maturity of your mind and emotions for the adjustments that brings. Step number two for success involves considering some new options for what is going to be best for the new people that are part of this new family. They are not the same people as the FAMILY OF ORIGIN from his side, and the FAMILY OF ORIGIN from her side. You have new people to be responsible for. It’s going to take some responsible planning, trial and error and re-planning, forgiving, adjusting, learning, re-planning and try again. It’s called growing together, learning together, committing together. It is the actual work of showing love for one another. It’s work- but rewarding work. I believe it is the most rewarding work on earth.
Challenge for the week:
Consider how this family theory effects your personal behavior. Consider if you personally need to make adjustments that will help your own marriage and family.
-Exchange Theory-
àWhat are you willing to exchange for time with your spouse? Time with your family? Is it worthy of the exchange? Maybe it’s friends, hobbies, work, a grudge, a thrill, a habit, extended family. Carefully consider the effect the exchange will have on your most important relationship, namely your marriage. If you learn to consider that relationship first, all other things will fall into place.
à What deposits of kindness are you purposefully showing to members of your family? What withdrawals are you taking? That is an exchange. Are your deposits and withdrawals rational or irrational? Be aware and do better this week. Make some meaningful deposits in the right places to the right people that will strengthen your family. If you have a habit that is taking an irrational toll on your family relationships, step it up. Make a change in yourself to quit draining your relationships with your poor behavior.
àYou can make a positive change without waiting for anyone else to do it first! You can initiate a positive reciprocal effect over time. Be patient and loving regardless of the actions or intentions of others.
Change your thoughtsà change your behaviors à change your happiness!
Little things can make a big difference. You can do this!
FAMILY: TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL
Here’s a link to a motivational talk I found inspiring.
-Julie-
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